A four lettered name
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: He was always first, because only then did people acknowledge him. He hated people, because people hated him. But then it all ended...when he met four other people.


_This is another of my random oneshots. Another thing to tell you I'm still alive... just maybe not as active in fandom. I really want to write more, but I have too much schoolwork at the moment. I'm really sorry..._

_And who knew that moving like...just rips your inspiration off?_

_Anyways. Here goes..._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed/Destiny or anything else related to it. If I did, I wouldn't have to do all this schoolwork._

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He always had to be first. _First, first, first_.

In studies, sports and everything else. His goal was always to be first.

No, it wasn't _his_ choice. It had been what was expected of him. He personally couldn't care less. He _himself_ didn't want to be first. He just wanted to be like the other kids, who could play after school and have fun with their friends.

But he wasn't given that option. Although he neither understood nor accepted the status of his mother through his younger years, it was a fact that that very thing weighed down heavily on him.

It was always work, work, work. Go to school to get top grades. Come back home to finish his homework and projects perfectly. Then after that, piano lessons on Mondays, horseback riding on Tuesdays, tennis on Wednesdays, tae kwon do on Thursdays, and French on Fridays. He hated everything he had to do with a passion, but never neglected to strive for the best whatever it was.

Why didn't…or _couldn't_ he, when everything was just plain torture? The reason was quite simple. His mother was a very busy person. Only when he finished everything perfectly did she have time for him. So the innocent boy worked hard, just so his mother would smile at him.

When he was small, it was still bearable because he still had friends. But as he grew older, kids his age started shunning him for how seemingly perfect he was. He was branded a "mommy's boy" and a "suck-up" out of pure jealousy, and became isolated in the overpopulated city of Martius. And what few friends he managed to make weren't approved by his mother because they were "not of the appropriate background".

_Then_ he really had no choice. No one talked to him, no one cared about him, and everyone talked behind his back. He started acting like a pure bastard and wore either a haughty smirk or an unpleasant scowl, trying to pretend he chose not to mingle with the others. He worked even harder to beat the others, whatever it was.

The innocent boy became an obnoxious youth out of pure loneliness.

His early teens passed away in a blur. He was lonely, but he did not let himself feel that. Instead, he continued to act like a brat who shunned the others as they did him. That was so much easier to do than accept no one wanted him around. His obsession with being first also grew. That was the only thing that proved his existence, that he was "someone", even if that _someone_ was just another "perfectionist proud bastard". Without that, he was a plain nobody.

This youth was very egoistic, yes, but that ego was only the product of others' selfishness and jealousy. All he wanted, deep down inside, was someone who accepted and understood him for who he really was. But no one did, so he continued acting so proud, and the more the people hated, and the _more_ he acted proud. The cycle just went on and on and _on._

The youth became a young adult, as the legal term _adult_ meant any individual past the age of 13 in the PLANTS. He enrolled into the most prestigious university in space where he aced law and aero-space engineering. He was to follow his mother's footsteps and become a politician, eventually joining the PLANT supreme council.

Or, that was what he fully expected to do.

Life doesn't go as planned, he learned the hard way. Two years later, when he turned fifteen, his mother suggested for him to join the ZAFT military academy. The relationship between Naturals and Coordinators were quickly worsening, and there was going to be a war soon. A glorious military career, she explained, decorated a male politician's reputation like a zillion diamonds. He wasn't fully enthusiastic to go since he was just an inch to his diploma, but the weight of his mother's name dragged him into the academy. Even so, he was still a brat and he was still a perfectionist. And he expected to be first in whatever the academy was going to demand.

And really, he _did_ for a while. For all he knew, at least he was the first in his class. But what he didn't know was that there was a certain youth in another class who had a slightly better grade than him in mostly every subject.

You can just imagine his shock when the first term grades were posted in the hallway. An unfamiliar…well, not exactly. A familiar last name with an unfamiliar first name was put over his very own, which made him _second_.

_Athrun Zala_.

The youth scowled. Zala… Was this unknown person the child of Patrick Zala, a member of the high council like his mother? Deepening his scowl, he went on with the list that came after his name.

_Nicol Amarfi  
__Dearka Elsman  
__Rusty Mackenzie_

And the list went on and on. He recognized the other three to be politicians' family names, and was slightly …but _only _slightly… interested in how so many of them could be in the same grade. But most of his attention…and anger was diverted to the "Athrun Zala".

He still remembers clearly the time when he first met Athrun Zala. Athrun did introduce himself, _smiled_, and held out his hand. _He_, on the other hand, slapped that hand and shouted at Athrun, telling him it was only this once he would be first.

Next he met Dearka Elsman. Dearka had that annoying grin which annoyed him to hell… Dearka lazily gave his name and strolled off to pick up some of the "hot chicks in miniskirts".

Then he met Nicol Amarfi. Nicol just smiled innocently, which reminded him horribly of the once-happy childhood he had. Nicol gave a polite "hello", and "you are the son of Ms. Ezaria, right?" and "My name is Nicol. Nice to see you."

Rusty just came running into the scene. He glanced at the list, jumped up, shouted, and ran out again.

He still remembers clearly how he thought all of them were crazy bastards the first time he met them. And he occasionally wonders how he even ended up being close to them.

But he did. After several times of shouting at Dearka, a fist fight with Athrun, teasing Nicol to be answered with a black smile, and feeling lost at Rusty's hyperactiveness, they all became a part of the group. It was just something natural…They were supposed to be hanging out together. They were supposed to talk to each other and share their deepest thoughts and dreams. They felt so much safer when they were with each other.

He had long forgotten that this relationship was called "friendship". But after this one conversation with Dearka, he was able to remember the word clearly.

Which is where our cocky young man turned into a trustworthy soldier and friend.

And he also learned so much valuable things from them that he had not known or had forgotten. Things that he was supposed to learn before any of those complicated laws and physics he learned in university.

From Rusty, he learned that it was alright to let off some steam. He didn't have to work hard all the time, and rests were every bit as important as work.

From Nicol, he learned that being nice was a good thing. He didn't have to act so cocky all the time, because there were people who accepted you even if you were nice.

From Dearka, he learned that your parent's names did not show who they were. He learned that his mother was his mother, and her reputation was not something he should be so mindful of every time he did something.

And from Athrun, he learned that being first wasn't everything. Athrun was the first, which made him second. But even if he was the second…_only_ the second best…he was still Yzak Joule. His friends still called him Yzak, and treated him as Yzak.

They were always together. But once the war started, they slowly fell apart. Rusty went first. And then Nicol. And then Athrun became MIA.

There was only Dearka left. And they grew this mutual understanding between each other. Dearka was the one who he could trust. Dearka was the only one left who treated him as Yzak. Dearka was _not_ going to go missing, like the other people did. Dearka was going to _be there_.

But then, even Dearka left.

And he was alone again. He was no longer Yzak Joule. He returned to being "_he_". He was no longer wanted for who he was. The people who understood him were gone. The "friendship" he regained had gone.

And of all the people that went, he found out he missed Dearka the most. Maybe it was because he was with him the longest. Dearka was there to comfort him through all the losses and everything else that happened.

And he still mourns for his lost friend. He does not know that Dearka is no longer his friend, though. Friendship had turned into love a short time ago.

But he probably will never know. Because there is no one left to tell him that. This young man, slightly more mature and tired than a few years ago, is left alone in the world as "_him_" and not as that four-lettered name they used to call him. That certain name had been locked up deep inside him, and it might never open up again.


End file.
